day 8 of fortythree

Ground control to lauren....Ground control to lauren.

I have never done crack before (shocker) but I am feeling quite like a crack head (no offense to any crack-doers out there..we all have our vices) My brain in moving faster than the speed of light, ideas are popping up everywhere, to do list are getting created and re-created just about every other minute on the minute and my head feels like its about to take off into outer space with all the commotion happening inside....

B R E A T H E.

and again.

B R E A T H E.

and once more for good measure (but this one I will keep to myself..you get the idea)

I am so convinced I am wired for instant gratification. After talking to my friend the other day, I feel like tomorrow I will have Fedex at my door delivering samples, a website, a Tax ID number, contacts, contracts, boutique openings, calls from my guys and gals on tv, calls from everyone..everywhere.

Whoa kiddo. How about one step at a time. How about doing the leg work...how about finding a designer....how about a little thing called ALL THE IMPORTANT DETAILS:) I can take the above paragraph and put it in personal storage for...I dont know..about a year, or two...or three!

To add to the grit and beauty of being cracked out on excitement and enthusiasm for a project and personal goal, I had a head-on-collision with my vulnerability around 3pm this afternoon. The sun was out, not a cloud in the San Francisco sky and yet I managed to be blindsided by the darn thing. I was on the phone with someone very close to my heart, whom I have revealed my ideas, and dreams and all that shit you talk about...while talking about that kind of shit, and they had mentioned they were going to design a tee shirt...WITH MY EXACT IDEA (which yes I know, I still havent revealed....in time) Without thinking this person was actually doing something to support me and inspire me...My mind B-lined it to insecure land faster....faster than something really fast (sorry, I am doing the best I can while my mind is zooming all around....also really fast) I stopped talking and froze....Oh shit, I thought. They are STEALING MY IDEA. WHAT THE HECK%$*$ Until I was told that the idea...which for sake of the other party...had been discussed in the past, was only to inspire me and show me an example of what it could look like. Which boils the whole thing down to this....Could I really be that attached to "my idea"?

Hmmmm, a sweet little lesson of attachment. Maybe this dream of mine happens and maybe its even bigger than my dream. Maybe it doesn't happen at all. The point being, None of these things are me. They are just an expression. I was delivered a sweet whisper in my ear saying, Lauren, let go. All is how it should be. Thank you ebebesoom:)

Just a side note...I had a wonderfully brief interview to be available for an on-call catering/serving gig downtown SF www.roe-sf.com. I didn't even have to wait for a call...10 minutes into the interview and I was set up to work next Tuesday. I have another interview Thursday for another catering job and hopefully between these two, and a 3rd I met with BB (Before Blog) I will be able to bring home the bacon. oink.

I want to end saying two things.

1.THANK YOU to everyone who loves me and teaches me and is patient with me and talks to me honestly and listens to me (and still loves me after that!) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH<3

2. Thank God for cheesy chic flicks, the local movie joint up the street that rents video's for a few bucks and the free popcorn from an old fashioned popper that you can nibble while you browse.

AMEN AND GOODNIGHT:)

xoxo
:)