day 27 of fortythree

Insecurities, frustrations, challenges, lessons, self acceptance, self love, universal love.

Im not sure if it's the moon or the cloudy skies that have rolled over the East Bay, but the past few days have left me feeling down and out in a way. Nothing bad has happened to me or around me, but my energy is low and my overall vivaciousocity is lower than normal. At first I didn't like feeling this way. I automatically associated feeling down to negative and unacceptable. I realized that I was just making myself feel worse for feeling worse. Hello beginnings of vicious cycle. Thank you for stopping by, but you are no longer welcome at this party. I realized that if Im feeling low or down or tired, then thats how I feel. No need to analyze, no need to freak that I am not bouncing off the walls. Just allow. It will pass, and a whole lot quicker once it is allowed to be. I realized in the past when I didn't like something I would do the opposite of what you think one would do when confronted with such a thing (follow that?). Instead of saying no thanks, or walking away and moving on I would say...why hello gnarly yuck wont you please come it. I'd hold the door open and even offer for it to stay for awhile, relax, take a load off. Can I get you anything? Then the fun starts because we sit down together and I ask this thing to tell me the story over and over and over again. And when it's finished, I say, Oh please....one more time. (see the picture Im painting here)

It is OK to feel down. To be tired or frustrated or pissed. But we don't have to keep re-living every detail of the story. We can read it once, maybe twice and put it back on the shelf. I have learned that it is better for my own health (mental, physical and emotional) and the health of everyone around me to do just that. I have come to realize that those are not the stories I want to be telling. Nor are they the stories I want to be living. Change you belief and change your biology. We have the infinite power to change our minds every ticking second of the day.

For example: All I want is love. I want to be in a beautiful loving inspiring intoxicatingly connective relationship. I feel I have done so much self work that I am ready to share my heart, open my life and be vulnerable. [insert easy button here] All around me I see people who are in love. People getting married, having babies, creating businesses, making dinners, enjoying rainy sunday afternoons. My first reaction and my patterning is to think, why does everyone else have the one thing I want. In these times of despair I have thought about calling those close to me, who I know love me, and asking them if they think I will find the love I am looking for...and will it find me. But something comes over me. This voice inside that I have been waiting to hear my whole life has finally found her way to me. She says, Lauren, You are loved and you know you will have all your hearts wishes. Calling these people and asking them this question is dis empowering. Asking this question is speaking in doubt, which is really saying you dont believe it will happen. Let go and allow life to present her gifts to you. I promise you will be most surprised and most satisfied.

Maybe this is called self-soothing for adults. It's hard because you want that instant comfort and assurance. Its like parents waiting outside the nursery door of their new baby. Biting nails because they don't know if they should go in or stay put. Finally, well hopefully finally, by the time they are done going back and forth weighing the options, go in stay out go in stay out, there is silence. The baby has settled and all is well (for the moment at least!)

So yea, Im not really sure where I was going with all of this! But here I am:) Hi:)

I wish you all a wonderful evening or a great day and all the love in the universe:)

p.s. I would be open to hear if anyone out there has a good idea for a name for my company...if anyone is out there reading this!

ok:)

Goodnight
:)